For the Literal Love of God, Just Pick (Some)one
We meet again.
Yes, yes, we’ve met before. You just don’t remember, because the instant you realised I was married your eyes glazed over and you went to join another conversation and every time you heard me talk from then on, you only heard that wamp wamp wamp noise all the adults make in Charlie Brown.
But don’t worry, I know you.
Oh I know you.
Your name is Josh, John, Adam, Matt, Lachlan, Chris, David, James and Tim. Also Andrew. And actually also Josh again.*
That’s a lot of names, yes, because you are legion.
You, the church man slut.
Yes, yes, I know, you (probably) don’t sleep with anyone. Good for you, keeping it in your pants thanks to your basic reading comprehension skills. Huzzah! I know, it’s so much harder for you because you’re a man, and if you mess up it was definitely the woman’s fault. I’m so proud of your superhuman-like self control! You are basically Jesus himself. Please, tell me more about your “super unique” interpretation of one of Paul’s letters, because I’m just a woman and honestly I’m not even sure I can read on my own.
Yes, I admit it, I have used your one weakness, the overzealous compliment, to lure you back after that “I’m married” thing. Now, would you like me to set you up with my friend? She’s tall-ish with hair that’s in between brown and blonde and she looooooves that thing that you are super into. I can’t quite remember whether it was cycling, Converse and guitars, Japanese culture in a way that’s actually not racist for some reason, or just straight up white boy sport (cricket, one of the footballs) but she loves. That. Shit.
Oh sorry, did I swear? It’s because I’m married so I’m sinful and damaged goods and stuff, you get it.
If my husband cheats on me in some tragic way I’ll let you know though, because I know you guys eat that stuff up and you’ll be way interested. Don’t worry I’ll make sure I use my grief constructively to lose a bunch of weight and memorise some basic white girl verses like in Matthew or something. Nothing too hard, I know you’re not into smart chicks. Like who is we are the worst, hahaha. See I get it.
I get it because I know you. You were at my beach mission, in my uni small group, in my bible study. I’ve played soccer with you, been to your house for dinner, handed out flyers with you, we caught the bus together. I gave you a ride that time, and that other time. I gave you rides all the time. You bought me a coffee to say thanks.
You were my friend.
Or, you know, haha, I THOUGHT you were my friend. I was such a good back-up plan! I had the right hair, and I laughed at your jokes and sure, I had a few too many opinions but I was suuuuuch a good second choice because I never complained and I liked the same bands you did, and I had such low self esteem that I never expected anything stupid, like that you could make a move on me – hahaha, how ridiculous! To get with a curvy brunette when you still have a chance with a skinny blonde!
All of this, of course, was years ago, before I shacked up with some other dude. I think I have the same personality, but you know the truth – I am boring now! I am soooo boring. Married people are all boring.
You, you are the cool one, still single, prowling around, flirting with and chasing and dating progressively younger and younger girls, and then breaking up with them for really Christian-sounding reasons like “she just didn’t deal well with my leadership” or “I just didn’t see her as my wife” or “I didn’t want to lead her on” even though you already had, and like, most of her friends besides.
Don’t get me wrong, all of the above are legitimate reasons to break up with someone. I too, have broken up with people when I was still shy of 23, ie. The correct age for a woman.
But seriously, bro, you ain’t fooling anyone except that one group of super sympathetic middle-aged ladies who say they think you’re a nice boy but secretly think you’re real hot.
What you mean is:
“I met someone hotter. She’s like, so much hotter.”
DON’T STOP READING. Remember, my friend? The tall-ish slender one? The sun-bleached brown hair? The light natural tan with a scattering of freckles? The arms that look like a yoga instructor’s? I didn’t mention those? Did I mention she has good tits? Like, not too big, eww, but like, she doesn’t need to resort to nasty, Satan-approved female magics, like a push-up bra. AND I DIDN’T EVEN TELL YOU ABOUT HER PERSONALITY YET.
She doesn’t have one.
Do you want to meet her? I thought you would. See? See how I get it.
I get it so much that I MADE HER UP, OBVIOUSLY.
Don’t worry though. Yeah, yeah calm down! I know, you want to make sure you get to have sex one day. I mean, get to serve the Lord as a husband and father. And you will. These women exist and for some reason, they date y’all. I’ve seen them in the wedding photos of your kind. Your hot, bland princess will come.
Unless…and look, I hesitate to even bring this up. But you know. Just in case. I…actually haven’t seen you on a date in a while. And maybe…well…
Might you be…the other kind of church man slut?
You know, the uh…unsuccessful kind?
Maybe you’re a little long in the tooth, or you’ve got like, stacks of arm hair, or you’re a bit of a chubbo, or you’re balding, you just have a bad case of date rapist face*** or maybe you’re, you know…
It’s ok. Just let it all out. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. Dating is so hard on Christian men, it’s just literally so unfair. Look. Don’t worry too much. The BP (bland princess) will sometimes stoop to one of your kind. And if she won’t, you have options. Many options!
- The future mum – Usually curvy and slightly shorter than the BP, the FM wears clothes exclusively from one inexpensive chain store, because she “doesn’t care much about fashion.” She is definitely a teacher or nurse, if she has a degree at all. She is stoked at the prospect of a half carat engagement ring. She can’t wait to bear your spawn.
- The bible college husband hunter – I know, I know, she’s going to bible college, and that makes your little heart hurt because she might know a thing that you don’t know. But don’t worry, she’s gone there baaaaaasically with the sole intention of bagging a dude, so chances are she might not even have learned that much. Approach with caution in case she’s legit considering a Christly career, and could thus outshine you and make you feel like a little boy instead of the big, strong man that you are. Also, she’ll likely never get a job so good luck to y’all paying her enormous HECs debt.
- The Asian bland princess – Because Christian dudes are racist too.****
Seriously, I would probably marry any one of these women, and no, I don’t need a lecture about why I can’t actually do that. Also, before you complain, please consider how many options single women your age have, which is as many as the number of times I have seen one of your kind called out on your behaviour. ie, zero.
Oh, and you. Their other option is you.
HAHAHAHA! Date a woman your own age! Do ya get it? Do you see what I did there?
See, I’m cool. I get it. I understand you. I’m just like all the older white dudes on church leadership.
Also, you’re probably my growth group leader or on parish council, so I don’t even have a choice but to tolerate you and watch you swan around, breaking hearts and acting holier than thou.
So don’t you worry about what any of us think, slugger. You get out there and find your bland princess. You hold her up high on your Instagram, until you meet her younger hotter friend and dump her on her ass, sad, confused and now too old to get with anyone else.
You make some bitches cry.
God says you’re better than us!
We deserve it!
*I randomly picked all these names. Sorry blokes with these names!**
**Or did I seriously all Christian dudes have the same 10-12 names.
***You know, that face some guys have where they look creepy all the time no matter what. Like resting bitch face but more terrifying. These dudes could be drinking chocolate milk rescuing a baby bird and you would be like, is that bird ok? Also, is he going to crazy murder me?
****For anyone playing along at home, don’t worry, I do not consider myself too good to be a stereotype. I am a small part Christian cool girl and three-quarters loud genderless bore.
- Christian cool girl: The Christian cool girl wears indie-inspired clothing and actually knows her bible pretty well. She makes sex jokes with the boys and argues the value of 5 v 4.5 point Calvanism, but she still lets blokes treat her basically however they want. Her job is in something creative, like communications or design. She may have a tattoo. She loves cats and has a 50/50 shot at dying alone, depending on whether or not she can bag a Christian indie bro or Laid back God-fearing tradie. I’m not writing definitions for those though I need to sleep at some point.
- Loud genderless bore: The loud genderless bore is sometimes an evolution of the Christian cool girl. She wears quirky clothing but unlike the Christian cool girl it does not flatter her and she does not look cute. She has loud opinions on everything and is an embarrassment to those around her. She has some kind of Christian-girl inappropriate job, like doctor or high-flying executive. She might be into some form of particularly punishing exercise.