You Should Break Up With Your Christian Girlfriend

by jillst

Normal people of the world! Have you noticed that your boyfriend or girlfriend:

1/ Regularly attends church and, worse, bible study

2/ Invites you to lots of camps with catchy acronym names

3/ Wears a crucifix a suspicious amount of the time

4/ Cannot, like just CANNOT make a decent cup of cordial

5/ Has straight up told you “I’m super into Jesus and feel weird for dating you”

If so, you might be dating a Christian – and not the cultural kind, the weird kind.

Christians can sometimes be pretty great, so even though I’m being a jerk and joking about it, you might actually love one of these enormous freaks. Take heart though, because I am here to help with my very understanding, sympathetic advice:

Dump the bitch.

Yes, yes, you heard me correctly. Let me make my case, as one of their bible-reading, floral wearing own.

They don’t think you’re good enough for them

Even if your Christian boyfriend or girlfriend is doing all the right things, saying all the right things and has your nan’s number on speed dial, they’re probably also nursing a secret crush on the sexy guitar player from the church band who’s memorised the entire book of Matthew.

I’m not saying they’re not in love with you – you’re probably great and they probably are. But as they look around, they’re noticing who else is available because they know that, eventually, they’re not going to end up with you.

You’re their date to formal. Their crutch. Their second choice. Their dirty little secret. And when you’re not there, it’s pretty likely they’re on the hunt for something shinier, newer and more into Jesus. Because even though you’re great, they probably don’t see a long term future with you. They don’t want to deal with a lifetime of questions from their parents, their minister, their Christian mates. They’re happy to hang out for now, but don’t look long term. They’re not.

They have stupid opinions

I’m generalising, but the majority of Christians think that gay people shouldn’t be allowed to be married. Some think men should take on a leadership role in marriage. Many think that abortion should be illegal. Some eschew contraception altogether, or don’t drink. Many genuinely enjoy the music of Coldplay.

In other words, they’re potentially coming in to this relationship with a whole bunch of different expectations about any future you might have together.

Even if you and your long term love could envision a future together in which you could compromise on what to tell any future children you might have, could you decide together whether to terminate one of those children – and could you convince your partner to do it so they thought it would anger the almighty, all-powerful God of the universe?

Obviously, all couples disagree. All navigate a few minefields. But do you want to sign up for eight or nine big ones right out of the gate?

I wouldn’t. I hate Coldplay.

I know you’re not getting any

Ha ha!

But seriously, you’re not, are you?

Your BF or GF may not be the kind to rock a purity ring, but chances are they’re saving sex for marriage. They may have made some vague suggestions about when they’ll let you take off their pristine white lace panties, but the chances of them following through are somewhat low.

Unless…

I’M WRONG and you are treating your bad self to some guilt-ridden, awkward missionary or a lacklustre blow job with your supposedly chaste guy or gal pal. In which case, good for you…I guess? Chances are they feel empty and guilty afterwards, and let you know with passive aggressive slut-shaming or outright tears and guilt mongering. I’m um, so happy for you that sounds….super fun.

Seriously though, by sexing up your Christian boyfriend or girlfriend, you’re just making yourself a tortured story they’ll have to relay over and over in marriage counselling with their virgin fiancĂ©. By not sexing them up, you’re…well, you’re probably getting pretty frustrated.

They’re not going to marry you

Christians are really into marrying other Christians. That way, they can write #blessed on all their couple selfies so they feel like they’re not being selfish fools posting one every five and a half minutes.
Seriously though, as a rule of thumb hardcore Christians marry other hardcore Christians – and so they should. Do you want to yawn your way through church every week and teach your kids about a glorified zombie? Probs not.

A girl in my circle of friends dated a Christian guy for years, and as her friend but not-good-enough-to-say-something friend, it tortured my soul.

I watched as she gave up more and more for the relationship, and one day, as I drove a mutual mate home and we discussed it, I couldn’t hold it in anymore.

“Even if he’s told her he loves her and he will,” I raged “he’s never going to marry her. Ever. One way or another, she’s going to get dumped.”

She got dumped.

Apparently she “sort of wished he’d realised it sooner.”

I haven’t spoken to this man in years. But I’d contend he did realise it. All along. When he asked her out, when he met her family, when he told her he lover her, when he kissed her and hugged her and comforted her, he knew this was not the woman he was going to make his wife.

He might have fooled his brain but his stomach, his gut, knew.

Hate him yet?

They’re not treating you right

Let’s level – you’re probably a great person. And as someone who’s into Jesus, I’d really like you to join our team and see you rock around town in a bunch of primary coloured hoodies with bible verses on the back.

It’s highly likely so would your boyfriend or girlfriend. It’s one reason they might be dating you. But even if you were actually really keen to get into Jesus in the same way they are, this person still may not be for you. Because they are being a dick.

They might have many other great qualities, but they’re not treating you the way they deserve to be treated. They’re giving into feelings for you when they know there’ll be no sex, you’ll have no long term future, and there’s probably fundamental flaws in your compatibility.

Best of all, they probably resent you for all of the above.

I know, because I dated a non-Christian for four solid years. I didn’t think he was good enough for me, we had wildly conflicting opinions on nearly every major topic, he wasn’t getting any (and what he was getting was guilt-ridden and later became this sob story) and I knew I wasn’t going to marry him. Even as I looked him in the eye and spun tales about some day that I would.

I wasn’t treating him right.

Three days after we broke up, he made out with one of my better friends. Which means that not only was I being a selfish bitch of a human being, I made him into one too.

And Christians – because I know, honestly, you’re probably the ones who are mainly reading this at this point – do you really want that to be how someone you care about remembers the gospel that you proclaim? A thing that parted them from you, a person who treated them badly but they loved nonetheless?

You might think you’re too young for it to matter, or that you’re special and I don’t understand. And 15-year old me shouts with you that it doesn’t matter and I’m being uncool.

Don’t be 15-year old me. That chick was the worst.

End it. I’ll buy the icecream.

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