A Sarcastic and Slightly Mean Guide to: Dating and the Internet

by jillst

You might think dating is about finding a life partner you can bear with for the next 80 or so years. That is soooo not correct. Dating is about feeling some feelings for another person, and then rubbing them in everyone’s face. Because obviously the fact that someone wants to press their sweaty, unwashed palm against yours makes your superior to all other humans.

DUH.

This used to be more difficult because I would have to like send all my friends a mean telegram like “how arrrre the corgis darling? We must have tea and scones sometime so I can detail to you the affections of my new beau!” And they would all have to take a moment to throw up a little, but in a really ladylike way. BUT THEN they would be able to continue with their lives, unhindered by my shockingly overstated feelings, until I got knocked up and they had to read another telegram saying I had died in labour.

These days, rubbing your friends faces in your happiness is more complex, and should proceed as below.

Before you start dating, do some flirting

Not in real life. You need all your friends to see it, so you need to do it online, OBVIOUSLY. This may start out as harmless stalking, but should eventually evolve in to likes, cheesy comments and playful teasing until…

It’s time to have the talk

If you’re not having the talk at least three times a month, you’re pretty much not even trying to get a boyfriend. Like, get it together lady. It’s not like everyone still wears a teatowel on their head or whatever. The second a guy notices you, you need to be all over that like a rash, or you will totally end up alone. Yeah sure, you might be saving yourself for the right guy but you will NEVER. GET. TO HAVE. A WEDDING.

That means, no jumping pics with your bridal party on Facebook. And that is the end of the world, hear me? The end. Dive right on in there and for goodness sake don’t hear ANY advice to the contrary. Anyone who tells you to stop and think about things is probably like over 25. That’s basically ancient, and what would they know anyway?

Choose the moment together

Obviously, bowling over a random guy with gushings and gushings of feelings after some banter on social media has gone really well. I mean, I don’t like to stereotype based on gender or anything, but guys love that. They deal with their own feelings really well and they DEFINITELY want to hear all about yours.

You need to deal with the ‘In a Relationship’ minefield together. You might think that this is a silly, childish and needless thing to have on your Facebook feed, but that’s obviously wrong. Everyone need to know you’re together, so you can avoid a bunch of desperados you met on church camp going all “Hey, did I ever tell you how much you look like Zooey Deschanel” on you. Bud, its called a fringe. It covers half my face. I look like any brunette ever right now.

Also, everyone will know straight away that you now have a boyfriend, so when you ignore them in their pathetic singleness and hang out exclusively with other couples and discuss how petty and dramatic you used to be when you were alone, they’ll understand.

Likes are Key

And your ego needs them dammit. More gratification. MORE.

Hopefully, you’ve spent enough time laying groundwork with cryptic statuses like “just had the best day” “I guess not every guy is a jerk” and lyrics from various Taylor Swift songs that everyone will understand that this is SUPER IMPORTANT GUYS and it has been like THREE WHOLE MONTHS GUYS since your last boyfriend. You were starting to worry that you would be single forever, and if you’re any kind of genius at all, have posted a couple of those singleness blogs by any-random-20-something- who’s-super-hot and-has-nothing-to-worry-about. If not, you can always add one or two after you’ve met the guy. They’re pretty much all the same so anyway, so just pick up a couple with minimal typos and whack them on up there. Everyone will then know that this is probably the most important thing that’s ever happened to you, and they will leave you encouraging comments like “u deserve this bebe, muah x” and “OMG YOU GUYS. TOTALLY saw this coming”. If a friend set you up, that’s even better. She can start the ball rolling with some totally attention seeking thing and then everyone will know that they NEED to say something and bring the attention RIGHT BACK WHERE IT BELONGS. YOU!

Public Displays of (Web Based) Affection

You really do need to keep these up, or how will anyone know you’re still in love? Once or twice a week is a bare minimum, and your first few posts should include:

  1. Some “I love you” “So lucky I have you” comments on each others walls
  2. Some tinted instagram pics of you two mucking around, kissing, and making silly faces
  3. A pic of the other, sitting across from you at a TRENDY breakfast or coffee place (you seriously both need to post these. Like, grab his phone and do it yourself if necessary. Actually, that’s better, cos you can make sure your hair looks GREAT. Just leave the emoticons out of the caption and muck up the spelling a bit)
  4. A pic if you guys looking cute at a party (get a friend to take this, it looks waaaaay more like you’re in love. Plus, then everyone will know your mates love your beau, so he must have, like, a good personality and stuff)
  5. Matching Profile Pics. I mean, that’s just always adorable, right? And there’s so many new ways to do it now! Two pics of you guys at the same event, selfies taken the same day. It’s timeless. It shows your in love. It tells other bitches to BACK. AWAY.

If someone you know is not doing this, make sure you take them aside, cock your head to one side, look into their eyes and say “how are you and ……..”. This is you being a GREAT friend. Their relationship is clearly in trouble, I mean, like what are they doing – saying that crap in real life? Hanging out for the sake of it? If they were really happy, they would want to tell the whole world – and that would totally include, you know, like the workmates from that job one time and that creep they went to primary school with.

Special Occasions

This one is obvious. I mean, after it’s been like a year or something, people are going to forget that you’re totally better than them. I mean, you have a LONG TERM BOYFRIEND and they don’t. Like what do they think they are, a career woman or something? I mean, lol! Keep up the pics and the likes and the posts, but do something really special for things like anniversaries and birthdays, and DEFINITELY Valentines. OMG, you could totally do something with candles for Valentines. But yeah, defs make sure there’s like a pic of you guys celebrating. Prefs make a collage! Oh yeah, totally do that. Mention that you feel super “blessed” to have him and, if you’re like a Jesus person, use words like “encouraging”. Classics like “soulmate” always work too, and of course, OF COURSE, finish off with how much he’s spoilt you today. And how much you love him. Because obviously, you do love him – I mean it’s all over the internet.

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